Roller Coaster of Emotions

So I got a call today from my female doctor. I was all good with the 6 months but he wants me to come in so he can cop another feel (LOL) and then he is going to send me to a specialist. What kind of specialist I do not know. A surgeon or an oncologist(?) who knows. I also had an ultra sound done not long ago of my ovaries. there is a cyst there that is causing me a lot of pain. So he is going to compare the Ct scan I had done when they thought I had kidney stones to the ultra sound pictures to see if it has grown. WTF!!!!! I will not be 40 until February. Why am I falling apart now?

I hate being all doom and gloom all the time. That is not me. I put on the smile, I make others laugh, I take care of everyone. I stand up for those who can't stand for themselves, and so on.  I was not the best of teenagers growing up but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who were worse. So why is Karma knocking on my damn door all the time. Can't that bitch go bother someone else? I have paid my dues and I have always tried to help people. I know God doesn't give anyone more than what they can handle but damn does he have to trust me so much?

So now I will get answers hopefully sooner than later. I will be able to put worries to rest sooner and maybe not be in pain as well. Everyone says "at least he is looking further and attacking it" "it's probably nothing" "you'll be fine" YES I will be fine, it very well may be nothing, but it doesn't stop your mind from bring up every possible bad scenario. I know that if it is bad that I will make it through. Of course after I have a major melt down.

I wonder if Duct tape will be enough to hold me together. That is some pretty strong shit and it comes in all different styles now, so I won't look all grey and dreary.

 I have pretty much run the gambit on how to feel. I will continue to ride the ride and maybe I will keep my arms and legs inside, maybe I will stay buckled till the ride comes to a complete stop. I am a rebel you know so don't be surprised if you see me waving my arms and sticking out a toe. That's just my way.