Constant Struggle Within

There is this thing I suffer from called depression. I find that I am not alone in this. There are many forms of depression and many ways people deal with it. Does this mean that people are weak? Does this mean that we have a different ability to cope with things that "normal", and I use that loosely,  people don't seem to have an issue dealing with? Does it mean that I am of weaker mind or weaker ability to deal with harsh reality? I think not.
I deal with many things that would destroy most people. I have dealt with things in my life that most people would have given up long ago and "threw in the towel", I however am not a towel thrower, nor do I allow something to beat me or control me. I fight back
I am not saying that sun shines outta my ass 24/7 and I have my moments of wanting to hide from the world, but why am I going to let my own outlook at a moment in time dictate how I have to look at other aspects of my life at any point in time? I don't. I hold my head high but sometimes I need time for me to be able to sulk and self pity. Does this make me a bad person, no it doesn't. It doesn't make me weak, it doesn't make me vulnerable. It makes me human. We have been led to beleive that if we show a sign of weakness to people that you will be eaten alive. This in some cases are true.  Such as when in the wild and surrounded by lions and tigers and bears OH MY.  Not so much in the world of humans. Here is why I say that. Why you have all your crap that you are lugging around with you day after day, that person who is tormenting you or making fun of you, or saying it's survival of the fittest,  has their own set of baggage. They are just better at hiding it. while you wear your heart on your sleeve they protect theirs because of being afraid. The ones that are truly suffering is them. They are suffering because they have built these walls so high and they can NEVER be themselves. They have distorted the sense of reality and made it so unattainable that they themselves will never achieve it. Knowing your faults isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Showing the world the real you also should be commended and not shunned. Why be afraid that someone may not like you or want to be your friend if they knew who you really are? Does that person opinion matter to you that much that if they don't it will be the end of you?
I am over weight. Yes it is depressing and is difficult for me to lose weight because of the medication I take for my fibromyalgia. I have days where I can't believe I am leaving the house with my waddling ass but I do it. Why because if I let that control who am I that is where it is going to start. What am I going to allow to control me next?
My daughter tried to commit suicide several years ago. Does that mean I am a horrible parent? No. It means that I made damn sure she knew that I was here for her and that I love her with all my being and soul, that without her I wouldn't be a complete me. That if she would have succeeded that her pain and suffering would have ceased to exist, but mine would have only just begun.
It is so easy to put on the fake smile, the fake attitude, the fake you but who are you hurting when you do that? You are only hurting you. Why apologize because you have a real emotions of hurt? Why feel ashamed because you want to gush over something that made you happy? If everyone were without fault where would we come up with sayings about "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones",  "same shit different day", Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill" and so on. I mean those are witty but everyone can handle these mole hills and mountains differently. Don't judge me or anyone because of how they re-act to a situation. that situation may be no big deal to you but to them it is major. Who are you to judge how it affects someones life? No one.
So today I am going to tell you that I have cried more times than I have smiled, I have bitten more heads off then I would like, and I have then went back and said I was sorry for that. I am after all only human. I realize that some things are out of my control but what isn't is how I deal with things and recognize how these things affect me and other people.  I realize that it is ok to have emotion it is after all what separates us from so many other species.  It's ok to hurt, cry, smile, be bitchy, and the whole gambit of emotion, all in one day too.

So even though I am often in a depressed state I will put on my BIG girl panties, suck it up and deal with the world around me. I will make the most of the situations and choose how I want to handle it. I am the only one who can. Above all else I am ALWAYS ME. take it or leave it, but, I am not changing for anyone but me, and neither should you. Always remain true to yourself if you expect others to be true to you.
"The choices we make dictate the life that we lead" You always have a choice. Choose yourself above all else. the rest will fall into place.