I had my first mammogram last week. That in itself was scary enough. So you walk into this room and take everything from the waist up off. They give you this nice robe to put on and then you wait for the person who is in charge of the smooshing of the boobies to come and get you.
She comes to get you and then the smooshing begins. It doesn't take long and wasn't all that uncomfortable. It really all and all was ok. I had myself so psyched out over nothing. When done they let you know you will get a letter in a week or so with results. They may call you as well.
So I got my letter today. I rip it open to hopefully see all good talk to your OBGYN to see when you need to have another one.
This is NOT what I saw. I saw that I need to go back in and have another test done. A special one that takes a closer look because something didn't look right? WHAT? This can't be right. Everything was supposed to be fine. There shouldn't have been anything wrong. What do you mean you need to look further. Of course I tell myself nothing to panic about it will all be ok. Doesn't mean that they see cancer it simply means that you have really big boobs and it's harder to read? Yes that has to be it. I will make it through what I need to make it through and I refuse to let something beat me. I am sitting at work trying to keep my cool, smile, talk, not think about what could be the start of yet another hard journey in my life. Inside I am screaming, crying and devastated. Good part is that I am a survivor. I have beat many demons in my life, some self inflicted others not. The point is I survived it. I will continue down this road and take whatever comes my way. I will come out on top and make the day mine.
I am a very hard person to beat. I refuse to let something keep me down and control my life. Stand back and watch me shine. It should be a great show.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Survivor
Have you ever sat back and asked yourself what have I been through in my life? Every one of us is a survivor in our own right. You might have survived a car accident, being addicted to drugs or alcohol, physical or mental abuse, poverty... the list is endless. Are what you survived any more important or less important than the others? No, the point is you survived.
I have my own story of survival. I was physically and mentally abused for 3 years. For those of you that know me know that I am the last person who you would think would be in that situation. I speak my mind, I have my own opinions, I stand up for what I think is right. So how did I allow myself to be treated with such disrespect? Easy, slowly I was changed to be something I was not. I allowed it because I thought it was love. I was young. I didn't know love for real. He slowly alienated my from my family, from my friends, from the outside world.
I am different from most stories you hear about abuse. 1. I got out. 2. I never once not once thought I deserved it. I was tore down on a daily basis. At 125 I was told I was fat, no one would ever want a fat ass like me. I was told I was stupid. How could I expect anyone to want me because I was to stupid to know anything. I was made to work, while he did whatever and took all the money. I was timed going to the grocery store. If I went over my time limit by 1 minute I was beaten and told I must be with someone else because it doesn't take that long to go to the grocery store. When I would drive my car (this was extremely rare) and someone said "nice car" I would say thanks, again that would be another beating because I made them think it was my car. It WAS my car. I had my nipples twisted to the point they were bruised and swollen and I would be on my hands and knees like a dog begging for him to stop. All of this and never once did I think "I deserve this"
I had gotten a severe sinus infection that almost cost me my life. If I would have waited another week to go to the hospital I would of had permanent brain damage or I would have died. I was told it's a shame I let you go to the doctor. Shortly after this I found out I was 3 months pregnant. the whole pregnancy I was told this couldn't be his kid. (mind you I never was allowed out of the house unless he was with me or it was timed)
I was released from the hospital after my second emergency surgery for sinus infection, I had the entire inside of my upper lip stitched shut. He had bust it open because I didn't cook dinner fast enough.
I had my life threatened with poisonous snakes. He kept rattlesnakes and copperheads as pets. After one night where he thought I was being not attentive enough I was told "Don't be surprised if you wake up with one of those next to you in bed"
After I found out I was pregnant it became much more metal abuse with small physical, the nipple twisting, flicking, broke a key across my arm, things like that but the mental was way worse. My self esteem was torn to pieces.
After my daughter was born it started to head back to more intense abuse again. It is then I had finally had enough. I asked myself: do you want your daughter growing up seeing this and thinking this is how someone who loves you, treats you? That it is ok to allow some to degrade you and hit you and spit on you? No. It isn't. that isn't love that is control and it was time for me to take it all back. I was in the kitchen putting dishes away, he once again twisted my nipples and I asked him to stop, he did it again harder this time where I actually bled. I pushed him. I pushed with so much force that he flew across the kitchen and into the laundry room and the door came off the hinges. He came at me with a closed fist, I grabbed a knife and said" do it, it will be the last time you ever hit anyone again" As I said I was done. I was ready to take my life back. I was ready to find me again. I left
I moved back home with my parents and started raising my daughter. I never spoke an ill word about her father in front of her. I knew in time she would find out all on her own. He would do it to himself. I didn't need to. True to what I thought he did. That is a whole different blog. lol
After I moved back home I had to find myself again. I had to figure out who I was. I wasn't me for so long I didn't know how to find out. I looked really hard inside of myself. I decided I would be great as a hair designer. I went right away and signed up for school. I graduated and started working in a salon. after working in a salon for over 10 years I decided I wanted to try something else. So I started college. I was a single parent, I worked 30 - 40 hours a week and took a full academic load. I am proud to say I graduated college with a bachelors degree. I did that. No one did that for me. I survived much more than this but this is one that when i watch a movie or show that has a woman being abused I break down in tears. I don't need to watch it I survived it. There is much more to the story but that would be pages and pages long.
I wanted to everyone to know that you can survive. You have to make sure that you find the value in yourself. You have to say enough is enough. You have to fight for you. Only you can. So easy it would be to lay down and just give up. So easy it would be to put our responsibilities on someone else. give me give me give me. I don't want to work for it. guess what, in order to survive anything you have to learn to you. You are the only one you can count on ultimately for your survival. If you can't find reason to survive for yourself then look around and find someone who may depend on you for their survival.
We all are fighters and survivors. We all have our stories long or short, happy or sad, One thing we all have in common is we are all survivors.
I have my own story of survival. I was physically and mentally abused for 3 years. For those of you that know me know that I am the last person who you would think would be in that situation. I speak my mind, I have my own opinions, I stand up for what I think is right. So how did I allow myself to be treated with such disrespect? Easy, slowly I was changed to be something I was not. I allowed it because I thought it was love. I was young. I didn't know love for real. He slowly alienated my from my family, from my friends, from the outside world.
I am different from most stories you hear about abuse. 1. I got out. 2. I never once not once thought I deserved it. I was tore down on a daily basis. At 125 I was told I was fat, no one would ever want a fat ass like me. I was told I was stupid. How could I expect anyone to want me because I was to stupid to know anything. I was made to work, while he did whatever and took all the money. I was timed going to the grocery store. If I went over my time limit by 1 minute I was beaten and told I must be with someone else because it doesn't take that long to go to the grocery store. When I would drive my car (this was extremely rare) and someone said "nice car" I would say thanks, again that would be another beating because I made them think it was my car. It WAS my car. I had my nipples twisted to the point they were bruised and swollen and I would be on my hands and knees like a dog begging for him to stop. All of this and never once did I think "I deserve this"
I had gotten a severe sinus infection that almost cost me my life. If I would have waited another week to go to the hospital I would of had permanent brain damage or I would have died. I was told it's a shame I let you go to the doctor. Shortly after this I found out I was 3 months pregnant. the whole pregnancy I was told this couldn't be his kid. (mind you I never was allowed out of the house unless he was with me or it was timed)
I was released from the hospital after my second emergency surgery for sinus infection, I had the entire inside of my upper lip stitched shut. He had bust it open because I didn't cook dinner fast enough.
I had my life threatened with poisonous snakes. He kept rattlesnakes and copperheads as pets. After one night where he thought I was being not attentive enough I was told "Don't be surprised if you wake up with one of those next to you in bed"
After I found out I was pregnant it became much more metal abuse with small physical, the nipple twisting, flicking, broke a key across my arm, things like that but the mental was way worse. My self esteem was torn to pieces.
After my daughter was born it started to head back to more intense abuse again. It is then I had finally had enough. I asked myself: do you want your daughter growing up seeing this and thinking this is how someone who loves you, treats you? That it is ok to allow some to degrade you and hit you and spit on you? No. It isn't. that isn't love that is control and it was time for me to take it all back. I was in the kitchen putting dishes away, he once again twisted my nipples and I asked him to stop, he did it again harder this time where I actually bled. I pushed him. I pushed with so much force that he flew across the kitchen and into the laundry room and the door came off the hinges. He came at me with a closed fist, I grabbed a knife and said" do it, it will be the last time you ever hit anyone again" As I said I was done. I was ready to take my life back. I was ready to find me again. I left
I moved back home with my parents and started raising my daughter. I never spoke an ill word about her father in front of her. I knew in time she would find out all on her own. He would do it to himself. I didn't need to. True to what I thought he did. That is a whole different blog. lol
After I moved back home I had to find myself again. I had to figure out who I was. I wasn't me for so long I didn't know how to find out. I looked really hard inside of myself. I decided I would be great as a hair designer. I went right away and signed up for school. I graduated and started working in a salon. after working in a salon for over 10 years I decided I wanted to try something else. So I started college. I was a single parent, I worked 30 - 40 hours a week and took a full academic load. I am proud to say I graduated college with a bachelors degree. I did that. No one did that for me. I survived much more than this but this is one that when i watch a movie or show that has a woman being abused I break down in tears. I don't need to watch it I survived it. There is much more to the story but that would be pages and pages long.
I wanted to everyone to know that you can survive. You have to make sure that you find the value in yourself. You have to say enough is enough. You have to fight for you. Only you can. So easy it would be to lay down and just give up. So easy it would be to put our responsibilities on someone else. give me give me give me. I don't want to work for it. guess what, in order to survive anything you have to learn to you. You are the only one you can count on ultimately for your survival. If you can't find reason to survive for yourself then look around and find someone who may depend on you for their survival.
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