Constant Struggle Within

There is this thing I suffer from called depression. I find that I am not alone in this. There are many forms of depression and many ways people deal with it. Does this mean that people are weak? Does this mean that we have a different ability to cope with things that "normal", and I use that loosely,  people don't seem to have an issue dealing with? Does it mean that I am of weaker mind or weaker ability to deal with harsh reality? I think not.
I deal with many things that would destroy most people. I have dealt with things in my life that most people would have given up long ago and "threw in the towel", I however am not a towel thrower, nor do I allow something to beat me or control me. I fight back
I am not saying that sun shines outta my ass 24/7 and I have my moments of wanting to hide from the world, but why am I going to let my own outlook at a moment in time dictate how I have to look at other aspects of my life at any point in time? I don't. I hold my head high but sometimes I need time for me to be able to sulk and self pity. Does this make me a bad person, no it doesn't. It doesn't make me weak, it doesn't make me vulnerable. It makes me human. We have been led to beleive that if we show a sign of weakness to people that you will be eaten alive. This in some cases are true.  Such as when in the wild and surrounded by lions and tigers and bears OH MY.  Not so much in the world of humans. Here is why I say that. Why you have all your crap that you are lugging around with you day after day, that person who is tormenting you or making fun of you, or saying it's survival of the fittest,  has their own set of baggage. They are just better at hiding it. while you wear your heart on your sleeve they protect theirs because of being afraid. The ones that are truly suffering is them. They are suffering because they have built these walls so high and they can NEVER be themselves. They have distorted the sense of reality and made it so unattainable that they themselves will never achieve it. Knowing your faults isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Showing the world the real you also should be commended and not shunned. Why be afraid that someone may not like you or want to be your friend if they knew who you really are? Does that person opinion matter to you that much that if they don't it will be the end of you?
I am over weight. Yes it is depressing and is difficult for me to lose weight because of the medication I take for my fibromyalgia. I have days where I can't believe I am leaving the house with my waddling ass but I do it. Why because if I let that control who am I that is where it is going to start. What am I going to allow to control me next?
My daughter tried to commit suicide several years ago. Does that mean I am a horrible parent? No. It means that I made damn sure she knew that I was here for her and that I love her with all my being and soul, that without her I wouldn't be a complete me. That if she would have succeeded that her pain and suffering would have ceased to exist, but mine would have only just begun.
It is so easy to put on the fake smile, the fake attitude, the fake you but who are you hurting when you do that? You are only hurting you. Why apologize because you have a real emotions of hurt? Why feel ashamed because you want to gush over something that made you happy? If everyone were without fault where would we come up with sayings about "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones",  "same shit different day", Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill" and so on. I mean those are witty but everyone can handle these mole hills and mountains differently. Don't judge me or anyone because of how they re-act to a situation. that situation may be no big deal to you but to them it is major. Who are you to judge how it affects someones life? No one.
So today I am going to tell you that I have cried more times than I have smiled, I have bitten more heads off then I would like, and I have then went back and said I was sorry for that. I am after all only human. I realize that some things are out of my control but what isn't is how I deal with things and recognize how these things affect me and other people.  I realize that it is ok to have emotion it is after all what separates us from so many other species.  It's ok to hurt, cry, smile, be bitchy, and the whole gambit of emotion, all in one day too.

So even though I am often in a depressed state I will put on my BIG girl panties, suck it up and deal with the world around me. I will make the most of the situations and choose how I want to handle it. I am the only one who can. Above all else I am ALWAYS ME. take it or leave it, but, I am not changing for anyone but me, and neither should you. Always remain true to yourself if you expect others to be true to you.
"The choices we make dictate the life that we lead" You always have a choice. Choose yourself above all else. the rest will fall into place.

Choose your words wisely

It all comes down sometimes to how you say something. I don't mean the actual words but the inflection that you use, the body language that you use to say it, and the way you choose to pause at certain points. It is sometimes about the words that were spoken but often it is how it was said that implies the true meaning.
Every day it is so easy to destroy someone just by saying a few words.  After a while of hearing certain things people start to believe it. Think of how your day was made or ruined all with just words that someone said to you.  A simple statement and how it was expressed can destroy someones self esteem and how they value their worth. Speak to someone who is smart in a tone that makes them seem like they are stupid and your normal "helpful" response will suddenly become un-helpful.
Why are we not taking the time to choose our words to build people up? Why are we so intent on destroying people and making them feel smaller than us?  Does it really feel our hearts with joy and respect when we do this? Does it really make us the bigger person to use something as powerful as words to take others down? Why not use this strength to build someone up? Let them know how incredible of a person they are? Let them know what they mean to us and how they mean it simply by using our words in an inflection that they truly can "feel" that we mean them. Words spoken in a minute or second of rage will be remembered more often then those said in a time of passion. that is the one that the person it was said to will hold on to and allow that to be the truth of how you feel. It may not be but that is how it works.
When you tell someone they look nice but you say it with a scowl you may not know it, but they can tell. The joy or compliment doesn't reach your eyes. Be mindful of how you are saying it with this non-verbal indicators. They are certainly speaking louder than the words. If you mute the person speaking in your mind what are they truly saying to you with their inflection and body actions? Is it the message they are intending you to get?
Always remember to choose the words that you say wisely and be mindful of how you are saying them. Words are more powerful than we realize and sometimes all it takes is one person to truly listen to receive the message being offered. Are you ready to give your message and are you willing to listen for the one you are meant? Choose wisely and be sure to use this powerful tool to build someone up instead of tearing them down because when you are tearing that person down someone like me will come behind and pick them back up and make them stronger and teach them the true meaning of words, strength, wisdom, and power. 
You have a choice, choose wisely and choose from the heart ,with that my friends, you can never go wrong.

Little funny to prove my point:

Bullys SUCK

Take a good look in the mirror, what did you see? Do you see someone who is perfect in every way? did you happen to notice that one of your eyes is slightly larger than the other? Did you happen to notice that one of ours ears is slightly higher/lower than the other? See you aren't perfect and neither is anyone else. While you are busy pointing out someone else's flaws, someone elses' issues, someone elses inability to fit in do you realize what you are making yourself look like?
People who don't take the time to "read the book" and either "judge it by the cover", or just scan the table of contents without actually taking the time to know the plot and the characters then you are missing out on a truly great story.
That girl who is overweight, maybe she has a condition that caused it, maybe she is on a steroid for some incurable disease. Have you thought that maybe it isn't that she is lazy or eats to much that maybe she does it to hide herself from people? That if she keeps herself "fat" that maybe no one will take notice and won't want to "touch" her in any way.  Maybe if those people don't like her because she is "fat" then it is a great barrier to keep people out? I mean it worked with you didn't it?
The boy who wears glasses that are held together with tape, or has clothes that are to big or small, maybe he has a single mother who has to use her money to put food on the table to allow them to have one decent meal a day, She uses that money to ensure that her kids have a roof over their heads or heat to keep them warm. He makes sure that his siblings has the things before he does because he lost his father in the war and now he is "The man of the house"?
See what you can miss simply by being someone who passes judgement on others with taking the time to find out the story? Just because someone is different that what you perceive as "normal" doesn't give you the right to poke, prod, make fun of, or torment anyone. Would you do that to your pet? What makes it ok to do that to a human.
"Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" is a LIE. Words do hurt. You can destroy someones day with just a few words of hate. You can build someone up and make them feel like a million bucks by giving a compliment or a few words of praise. Think about it. When is the last time that you hung your head in shame when someone told you that you looked nice, or smelled nice, or your hair looks great? You didn't. You smiled and for a moment you felt pretty/handsome. Now reverse that. Take that one time that your parent, friends, teacher, co-worker said or did something to you that tore you down in some way: Have you gained weight? Why did you wear that? Did you smile and hold your head up or did it make you stop and wonder what was wrong?  I could almost bet smiling was not on your mind.
Now amplify that day after day, week after week, month after month.  Would you want to talk and be around people? Would you want to go to school/work if all you were going to get was tore down and made fun of? NO you wouldn't. These people should be praised and made to feel wanted and loved not ashamed of who they are and why they are. Why would anyone in the right mind CHOOSE to be different than what is considered normal? Why would they CHOOSE to be made fun of and made to feel less of a person? Why would the CHOOSE to be bullied for their weight, sexual preference, sex, clothes, friends, intelligence or anything you want to name?
You do however have a choice. You can do something about it. You can choose to read the book from beginning to end, get to know the characters and the plot of the story and then you can decide if they are going to be a part of your story. You get to write it and decide what role you are going to play in your life. Make it a story worth reading.

Stay Positive

So tomorrow I go to the surgeon to see what do we do next. My stress level is off the charts. I am not sleeping, I am losing my mind, I am crying over stupid ass shit.
So keep your chin up, don't worry, it will all work out. These are all things that are so easy to say but not so easy to follow.
I am a very strong person. I usually don't let small things get to me but lately everything has gotten to me. Every time I turn around I feel someone has hurt me or I hurt them. I have never had a problem, telling how I feel or saying what is on my mind and yet as of late I cant even seem to form the words. Maybe it's because there is so little room left for anything else. My heart is heavy and my mind is full.
I am praying that after tomorrow or in the very least a few weeks I will finally have answers and get back to being me and not this crazy, insane, shell of a person who is faking her way through every day.
Like I have said many times I am a survivor. I will defeat anything that stands in my way. I learn from every lesson that I am meant to be taught weather I want to learn it or not. I just wish every now and again I get to write the lesson plan. LOL
Don't count me out no matter what. The first time you underestimate me and my strength you will be severely disappointed.

Hard to Smile

Sometimes it is hard to smile when you feel like there is no one who wants you. All women want to feel attractive to someone. We want to know that someone out there would like to be with us. We want to feel desired and beautiful.
Are looks that important no, but if someone tells you that they don't care what they look like they are lieing. If that is the case then why did they bother to do their hair and put on make-up. why are they dressing in something that is flattering? It is because we are hoping that someone will notice how we look and give us a compliment.
It's hard to smile when you are stressed about how an appointment could change the way rest of your life will go. Of course no matter what I will pick myself up and move on.
It's hard to smile when someone who means the world to you, you don't mean anything to them. They have no clue that you can see through the lies that they tell and expect you to believe. They are clueless to the fact that the lies they tell are hurting you and you pretend to smile. They don't even notice when the way you speak to them has changed nor do they bother to ask why... well I guess they can't because it doesn't mean enough that they noticed at all anyway.  They can't see how when they do certain things a little piece of you dies. Well it doesn't matter and to those people I say to bad.. it's your damn loss.
It's hard to smile when all you want to do is cry. I will let my smile stay in place and pretend that it is all ok. I will continue to help others smile and make their day better in any way I can. If I can't be happy at least I can help others be that way.
Yes this wasn't all happy and joy but the last few weeks I just can't bring myself to be. I will come out the other end with a real genuine smile you can count on that. Things may get me down from time to time but I will be damned if I let them keep me there.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

So I got a call today from my female doctor. I was all good with the 6 months but he wants me to come in so he can cop another feel (LOL) and then he is going to send me to a specialist. What kind of specialist I do not know. A surgeon or an oncologist(?) who knows. I also had an ultra sound done not long ago of my ovaries. there is a cyst there that is causing me a lot of pain. So he is going to compare the Ct scan I had done when they thought I had kidney stones to the ultra sound pictures to see if it has grown. WTF!!!!! I will not be 40 until February. Why am I falling apart now?

I hate being all doom and gloom all the time. That is not me. I put on the smile, I make others laugh, I take care of everyone. I stand up for those who can't stand for themselves, and so on.  I was not the best of teenagers growing up but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who were worse. So why is Karma knocking on my damn door all the time. Can't that bitch go bother someone else? I have paid my dues and I have always tried to help people. I know God doesn't give anyone more than what they can handle but damn does he have to trust me so much?

So now I will get answers hopefully sooner than later. I will be able to put worries to rest sooner and maybe not be in pain as well. Everyone says "at least he is looking further and attacking it" "it's probably nothing" "you'll be fine" YES I will be fine, it very well may be nothing, but it doesn't stop your mind from bring up every possible bad scenario. I know that if it is bad that I will make it through. Of course after I have a major melt down.

I wonder if Duct tape will be enough to hold me together. That is some pretty strong shit and it comes in all different styles now, so I won't look all grey and dreary.

 I have pretty much run the gambit on how to feel. I will continue to ride the ride and maybe I will keep my arms and legs inside, maybe I will stay buckled till the ride comes to a complete stop. I am a rebel you know so don't be surprised if you see me waving my arms and sticking out a toe. That's just my way.

6 more months

I went today to get another mammogram and an ultra sound. I thought that I would have to wait for results but no they give them right there. So after an hour I had sort of an answer but not really.
I have to go back in 6 months and have another session of boobie squishing and then ultra sound. since this was my first they have nothing to compare the spot to. They can't be sure if it is a simple "nothing to worry about" cyst or if it is something that causes worry.
So now I wait. I pray. I hope. I of course worry. How can I not. They tell you it could be a cyst it more than likely is a cyst or fibrous tissue but..... Yes there is always a but, we can't rule out that it may be cancer. So tell me not to worry all you want, tell me it will all be ok, tell me that that spot you have to view again in 6 months time to see if it has changed shape or grew in size is nothing to worry about.
I don't know about you but when someone says if it were me I wouldn't worry about it. well I am sorry but it isn't you. You also are a big fat liar if you tell me that worry wouldn't cross your mind because they are pretty certain it isn't something to worry about.
Being the person that I am I will worry but you won't know it. I will quietly fight within myself between worry and telling myself it is all ok. I am a survivor and I will make it through this. In the end it will all be nothing and the next 6 months of worry will have been for not. I will put the smile on my face, and pick my chin up and march on.  There are people who have more worry in an hour than I could dream of.
Remember to smile, it is the one part that goes with everything. Remember to always have hope because without it you can't have strength and you can't have spirit.