Bullys SUCK

Take a good look in the mirror, what did you see? Do you see someone who is perfect in every way? did you happen to notice that one of your eyes is slightly larger than the other? Did you happen to notice that one of ours ears is slightly higher/lower than the other? See you aren't perfect and neither is anyone else. While you are busy pointing out someone else's flaws, someone elses' issues, someone elses inability to fit in do you realize what you are making yourself look like?
People who don't take the time to "read the book" and either "judge it by the cover", or just scan the table of contents without actually taking the time to know the plot and the characters then you are missing out on a truly great story.
That girl who is overweight, maybe she has a condition that caused it, maybe she is on a steroid for some incurable disease. Have you thought that maybe it isn't that she is lazy or eats to much that maybe she does it to hide herself from people? That if she keeps herself "fat" that maybe no one will take notice and won't want to "touch" her in any way.  Maybe if those people don't like her because she is "fat" then it is a great barrier to keep people out? I mean it worked with you didn't it?
The boy who wears glasses that are held together with tape, or has clothes that are to big or small, maybe he has a single mother who has to use her money to put food on the table to allow them to have one decent meal a day, She uses that money to ensure that her kids have a roof over their heads or heat to keep them warm. He makes sure that his siblings has the things before he does because he lost his father in the war and now he is "The man of the house"?
See what you can miss simply by being someone who passes judgement on others with taking the time to find out the story? Just because someone is different that what you perceive as "normal" doesn't give you the right to poke, prod, make fun of, or torment anyone. Would you do that to your pet? What makes it ok to do that to a human.
"Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" is a LIE. Words do hurt. You can destroy someones day with just a few words of hate. You can build someone up and make them feel like a million bucks by giving a compliment or a few words of praise. Think about it. When is the last time that you hung your head in shame when someone told you that you looked nice, or smelled nice, or your hair looks great? You didn't. You smiled and for a moment you felt pretty/handsome. Now reverse that. Take that one time that your parent, friends, teacher, co-worker said or did something to you that tore you down in some way: Have you gained weight? Why did you wear that? Did you smile and hold your head up or did it make you stop and wonder what was wrong?  I could almost bet smiling was not on your mind.
Now amplify that day after day, week after week, month after month.  Would you want to talk and be around people? Would you want to go to school/work if all you were going to get was tore down and made fun of? NO you wouldn't. These people should be praised and made to feel wanted and loved not ashamed of who they are and why they are. Why would anyone in the right mind CHOOSE to be different than what is considered normal? Why would they CHOOSE to be made fun of and made to feel less of a person? Why would the CHOOSE to be bullied for their weight, sexual preference, sex, clothes, friends, intelligence or anything you want to name?
You do however have a choice. You can do something about it. You can choose to read the book from beginning to end, get to know the characters and the plot of the story and then you can decide if they are going to be a part of your story. You get to write it and decide what role you are going to play in your life. Make it a story worth reading.

Stay Positive

So tomorrow I go to the surgeon to see what do we do next. My stress level is off the charts. I am not sleeping, I am losing my mind, I am crying over stupid ass shit.
So keep your chin up, don't worry, it will all work out. These are all things that are so easy to say but not so easy to follow.
I am a very strong person. I usually don't let small things get to me but lately everything has gotten to me. Every time I turn around I feel someone has hurt me or I hurt them. I have never had a problem, telling how I feel or saying what is on my mind and yet as of late I cant even seem to form the words. Maybe it's because there is so little room left for anything else. My heart is heavy and my mind is full.
I am praying that after tomorrow or in the very least a few weeks I will finally have answers and get back to being me and not this crazy, insane, shell of a person who is faking her way through every day.
Like I have said many times I am a survivor. I will defeat anything that stands in my way. I learn from every lesson that I am meant to be taught weather I want to learn it or not. I just wish every now and again I get to write the lesson plan. LOL
Don't count me out no matter what. The first time you underestimate me and my strength you will be severely disappointed.

Hard to Smile

Sometimes it is hard to smile when you feel like there is no one who wants you. All women want to feel attractive to someone. We want to know that someone out there would like to be with us. We want to feel desired and beautiful.
Are looks that important no, but if someone tells you that they don't care what they look like they are lieing. If that is the case then why did they bother to do their hair and put on make-up. why are they dressing in something that is flattering? It is because we are hoping that someone will notice how we look and give us a compliment.
It's hard to smile when you are stressed about how an appointment could change the way rest of your life will go. Of course no matter what I will pick myself up and move on.
It's hard to smile when someone who means the world to you, you don't mean anything to them. They have no clue that you can see through the lies that they tell and expect you to believe. They are clueless to the fact that the lies they tell are hurting you and you pretend to smile. They don't even notice when the way you speak to them has changed nor do they bother to ask why... well I guess they can't because it doesn't mean enough that they noticed at all anyway.  They can't see how when they do certain things a little piece of you dies. Well it doesn't matter and to those people I say to bad.. it's your damn loss.
It's hard to smile when all you want to do is cry. I will let my smile stay in place and pretend that it is all ok. I will continue to help others smile and make their day better in any way I can. If I can't be happy at least I can help others be that way.
Yes this wasn't all happy and joy but the last few weeks I just can't bring myself to be. I will come out the other end with a real genuine smile you can count on that. Things may get me down from time to time but I will be damned if I let them keep me there.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

So I got a call today from my female doctor. I was all good with the 6 months but he wants me to come in so he can cop another feel (LOL) and then he is going to send me to a specialist. What kind of specialist I do not know. A surgeon or an oncologist(?) who knows. I also had an ultra sound done not long ago of my ovaries. there is a cyst there that is causing me a lot of pain. So he is going to compare the Ct scan I had done when they thought I had kidney stones to the ultra sound pictures to see if it has grown. WTF!!!!! I will not be 40 until February. Why am I falling apart now?

I hate being all doom and gloom all the time. That is not me. I put on the smile, I make others laugh, I take care of everyone. I stand up for those who can't stand for themselves, and so on.  I was not the best of teenagers growing up but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who were worse. So why is Karma knocking on my damn door all the time. Can't that bitch go bother someone else? I have paid my dues and I have always tried to help people. I know God doesn't give anyone more than what they can handle but damn does he have to trust me so much?

So now I will get answers hopefully sooner than later. I will be able to put worries to rest sooner and maybe not be in pain as well. Everyone says "at least he is looking further and attacking it" "it's probably nothing" "you'll be fine" YES I will be fine, it very well may be nothing, but it doesn't stop your mind from bring up every possible bad scenario. I know that if it is bad that I will make it through. Of course after I have a major melt down.

I wonder if Duct tape will be enough to hold me together. That is some pretty strong shit and it comes in all different styles now, so I won't look all grey and dreary.

 I have pretty much run the gambit on how to feel. I will continue to ride the ride and maybe I will keep my arms and legs inside, maybe I will stay buckled till the ride comes to a complete stop. I am a rebel you know so don't be surprised if you see me waving my arms and sticking out a toe. That's just my way.

6 more months

I went today to get another mammogram and an ultra sound. I thought that I would have to wait for results but no they give them right there. So after an hour I had sort of an answer but not really.
I have to go back in 6 months and have another session of boobie squishing and then ultra sound. since this was my first they have nothing to compare the spot to. They can't be sure if it is a simple "nothing to worry about" cyst or if it is something that causes worry.
So now I wait. I pray. I hope. I of course worry. How can I not. They tell you it could be a cyst it more than likely is a cyst or fibrous tissue but..... Yes there is always a but, we can't rule out that it may be cancer. So tell me not to worry all you want, tell me it will all be ok, tell me that that spot you have to view again in 6 months time to see if it has changed shape or grew in size is nothing to worry about.
I don't know about you but when someone says if it were me I wouldn't worry about it. well I am sorry but it isn't you. You also are a big fat liar if you tell me that worry wouldn't cross your mind because they are pretty certain it isn't something to worry about.
Being the person that I am I will worry but you won't know it. I will quietly fight within myself between worry and telling myself it is all ok. I am a survivor and I will make it through this. In the end it will all be nothing and the next 6 months of worry will have been for not. I will put the smile on my face, and pick my chin up and march on.  There are people who have more worry in an hour than I could dream of.
Remember to smile, it is the one part that goes with everything. Remember to always have hope because without it you can't have strength and you can't have spirit.

RESPECT

What does that word mean to you? Does the old saying you gotta give respect to get it? What if you are always waiting for the other person to go first? What if they don't? Your not going to respect that other person because they didn't go first?
The pure definition of respect differs on who you ask. What they respect changes constantly depending on the person whom you are asking about. What do I mean? Well think about it... the reason you respect your boss isn't the same reason you respect your neighbor. You respect each person for different reasons. I don't give my respect out willy nilly. I respect someone when they are honest in the face of blame. When they take ownership in what they have done and fight to make it right. I have respect for those who are sticking up for the people who cannot stick up for themselves. People who put themselves in the path for ridicule to show support for someone outside of the norm. I show respect to anyone making a living and fighting every day to do what is right and not blaming others for their failures but learn from them and ask themselves: Ok next time what can I do different for a different outcome.
I could take the easy way on so many levels for so many things but I don't. I fight for those who don't have a voice or are to afraid to speak out for ridicule.  I own up to my mistakes, I learn from my mistakes and take steps to remind myself that it is ok to make them. No one is perfect no matter what illusion they cast.
Take the time today to ask yourself what RESPECT means to you, you may find that you need to change your definition of what it means to you. Everyone says to lower your standards so you won't be disappointed.... I say raise them and demand that others raise theirs. Disappointment is a way of life. How you handle that disappointment is a way of character.

Can this really be happening?

 I had my first mammogram last week. That in itself was scary enough. So you walk into this room and take everything from the waist up off. They give you this nice robe to put on and then you wait for the person who is in charge of the smooshing of the boobies to come and get you.
She comes to get you and then the smooshing begins. It doesn't take long and wasn't all that uncomfortable.  It really all and all was ok. I had myself so psyched out over nothing. When done they let you know you will get a letter in a week or so with results. They may call you as well.
So I got my letter today. I rip it open to hopefully see all good talk to your OBGYN to see when you need to have another one.
This is NOT what I saw. I saw that I need to go back in and have another test done. A special one that takes a closer look because something didn't look right? WHAT? This can't be right. Everything was supposed to be fine. There shouldn't have been anything wrong. What do you mean you need to look further. Of course I tell myself nothing to panic about it will all be ok. Doesn't mean that they see cancer it simply means that you have really big boobs and it's harder to read? Yes that has to be it. I will make it through what I need to make it through and I refuse to let something beat me. I am sitting at work trying to keep my cool, smile, talk, not think about what could be the start of yet another hard journey in my life. Inside I am screaming, crying and devastated.  Good part is that I am a survivor. I have beat many demons in my life, some self inflicted others not. The point is I survived it. I will continue down this road and take whatever comes my way. I will come out on top and make the day mine.
I am a very hard person to beat. I refuse to let something keep me down and control my life. Stand back and watch me shine. It should be a great show.