I had my first mammogram last week. That in itself was scary enough. So you walk into this room and take everything from the waist up off. They give you this nice robe to put on and then you wait for the person who is in charge of the smooshing of the boobies to come and get you.
She comes to get you and then the smooshing begins. It doesn't take long and wasn't all that uncomfortable. It really all and all was ok. I had myself so psyched out over nothing. When done they let you know you will get a letter in a week or so with results. They may call you as well.
So I got my letter today. I rip it open to hopefully see all good talk to your OBGYN to see when you need to have another one.
This is NOT what I saw. I saw that I need to go back in and have another test done. A special one that takes a closer look because something didn't look right? WHAT? This can't be right. Everything was supposed to be fine. There shouldn't have been anything wrong. What do you mean you need to look further. Of course I tell myself nothing to panic about it will all be ok. Doesn't mean that they see cancer it simply means that you have really big boobs and it's harder to read? Yes that has to be it. I will make it through what I need to make it through and I refuse to let something beat me. I am sitting at work trying to keep my cool, smile, talk, not think about what could be the start of yet another hard journey in my life. Inside I am screaming, crying and devastated. Good part is that I am a survivor. I have beat many demons in my life, some self inflicted others not. The point is I survived it. I will continue down this road and take whatever comes my way. I will come out on top and make the day mine.
I am a very hard person to beat. I refuse to let something keep me down and control my life. Stand back and watch me shine. It should be a great show.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Survivor
Have you ever sat back and asked yourself what have I been through in my life? Every one of us is a survivor in our own right. You might have survived a car accident, being addicted to drugs or alcohol, physical or mental abuse, poverty... the list is endless. Are what you survived any more important or less important than the others? No, the point is you survived.
I have my own story of survival. I was physically and mentally abused for 3 years. For those of you that know me know that I am the last person who you would think would be in that situation. I speak my mind, I have my own opinions, I stand up for what I think is right. So how did I allow myself to be treated with such disrespect? Easy, slowly I was changed to be something I was not. I allowed it because I thought it was love. I was young. I didn't know love for real. He slowly alienated my from my family, from my friends, from the outside world.
I am different from most stories you hear about abuse. 1. I got out. 2. I never once not once thought I deserved it. I was tore down on a daily basis. At 125 I was told I was fat, no one would ever want a fat ass like me. I was told I was stupid. How could I expect anyone to want me because I was to stupid to know anything. I was made to work, while he did whatever and took all the money. I was timed going to the grocery store. If I went over my time limit by 1 minute I was beaten and told I must be with someone else because it doesn't take that long to go to the grocery store. When I would drive my car (this was extremely rare) and someone said "nice car" I would say thanks, again that would be another beating because I made them think it was my car. It WAS my car. I had my nipples twisted to the point they were bruised and swollen and I would be on my hands and knees like a dog begging for him to stop. All of this and never once did I think "I deserve this"
I had gotten a severe sinus infection that almost cost me my life. If I would have waited another week to go to the hospital I would of had permanent brain damage or I would have died. I was told it's a shame I let you go to the doctor. Shortly after this I found out I was 3 months pregnant. the whole pregnancy I was told this couldn't be his kid. (mind you I never was allowed out of the house unless he was with me or it was timed)
I was released from the hospital after my second emergency surgery for sinus infection, I had the entire inside of my upper lip stitched shut. He had bust it open because I didn't cook dinner fast enough.
I had my life threatened with poisonous snakes. He kept rattlesnakes and copperheads as pets. After one night where he thought I was being not attentive enough I was told "Don't be surprised if you wake up with one of those next to you in bed"
After I found out I was pregnant it became much more metal abuse with small physical, the nipple twisting, flicking, broke a key across my arm, things like that but the mental was way worse. My self esteem was torn to pieces.
After my daughter was born it started to head back to more intense abuse again. It is then I had finally had enough. I asked myself: do you want your daughter growing up seeing this and thinking this is how someone who loves you, treats you? That it is ok to allow some to degrade you and hit you and spit on you? No. It isn't. that isn't love that is control and it was time for me to take it all back. I was in the kitchen putting dishes away, he once again twisted my nipples and I asked him to stop, he did it again harder this time where I actually bled. I pushed him. I pushed with so much force that he flew across the kitchen and into the laundry room and the door came off the hinges. He came at me with a closed fist, I grabbed a knife and said" do it, it will be the last time you ever hit anyone again" As I said I was done. I was ready to take my life back. I was ready to find me again. I left
I moved back home with my parents and started raising my daughter. I never spoke an ill word about her father in front of her. I knew in time she would find out all on her own. He would do it to himself. I didn't need to. True to what I thought he did. That is a whole different blog. lol
After I moved back home I had to find myself again. I had to figure out who I was. I wasn't me for so long I didn't know how to find out. I looked really hard inside of myself. I decided I would be great as a hair designer. I went right away and signed up for school. I graduated and started working in a salon. after working in a salon for over 10 years I decided I wanted to try something else. So I started college. I was a single parent, I worked 30 - 40 hours a week and took a full academic load. I am proud to say I graduated college with a bachelors degree. I did that. No one did that for me. I survived much more than this but this is one that when i watch a movie or show that has a woman being abused I break down in tears. I don't need to watch it I survived it. There is much more to the story but that would be pages and pages long.
I wanted to everyone to know that you can survive. You have to make sure that you find the value in yourself. You have to say enough is enough. You have to fight for you. Only you can. So easy it would be to lay down and just give up. So easy it would be to put our responsibilities on someone else. give me give me give me. I don't want to work for it. guess what, in order to survive anything you have to learn to you. You are the only one you can count on ultimately for your survival. If you can't find reason to survive for yourself then look around and find someone who may depend on you for their survival.
We all are fighters and survivors. We all have our stories long or short, happy or sad, One thing we all have in common is we are all survivors.
I have my own story of survival. I was physically and mentally abused for 3 years. For those of you that know me know that I am the last person who you would think would be in that situation. I speak my mind, I have my own opinions, I stand up for what I think is right. So how did I allow myself to be treated with such disrespect? Easy, slowly I was changed to be something I was not. I allowed it because I thought it was love. I was young. I didn't know love for real. He slowly alienated my from my family, from my friends, from the outside world.
I am different from most stories you hear about abuse. 1. I got out. 2. I never once not once thought I deserved it. I was tore down on a daily basis. At 125 I was told I was fat, no one would ever want a fat ass like me. I was told I was stupid. How could I expect anyone to want me because I was to stupid to know anything. I was made to work, while he did whatever and took all the money. I was timed going to the grocery store. If I went over my time limit by 1 minute I was beaten and told I must be with someone else because it doesn't take that long to go to the grocery store. When I would drive my car (this was extremely rare) and someone said "nice car" I would say thanks, again that would be another beating because I made them think it was my car. It WAS my car. I had my nipples twisted to the point they were bruised and swollen and I would be on my hands and knees like a dog begging for him to stop. All of this and never once did I think "I deserve this"
I had gotten a severe sinus infection that almost cost me my life. If I would have waited another week to go to the hospital I would of had permanent brain damage or I would have died. I was told it's a shame I let you go to the doctor. Shortly after this I found out I was 3 months pregnant. the whole pregnancy I was told this couldn't be his kid. (mind you I never was allowed out of the house unless he was with me or it was timed)
I was released from the hospital after my second emergency surgery for sinus infection, I had the entire inside of my upper lip stitched shut. He had bust it open because I didn't cook dinner fast enough.
I had my life threatened with poisonous snakes. He kept rattlesnakes and copperheads as pets. After one night where he thought I was being not attentive enough I was told "Don't be surprised if you wake up with one of those next to you in bed"
After I found out I was pregnant it became much more metal abuse with small physical, the nipple twisting, flicking, broke a key across my arm, things like that but the mental was way worse. My self esteem was torn to pieces.
After my daughter was born it started to head back to more intense abuse again. It is then I had finally had enough. I asked myself: do you want your daughter growing up seeing this and thinking this is how someone who loves you, treats you? That it is ok to allow some to degrade you and hit you and spit on you? No. It isn't. that isn't love that is control and it was time for me to take it all back. I was in the kitchen putting dishes away, he once again twisted my nipples and I asked him to stop, he did it again harder this time where I actually bled. I pushed him. I pushed with so much force that he flew across the kitchen and into the laundry room and the door came off the hinges. He came at me with a closed fist, I grabbed a knife and said" do it, it will be the last time you ever hit anyone again" As I said I was done. I was ready to take my life back. I was ready to find me again. I left
I moved back home with my parents and started raising my daughter. I never spoke an ill word about her father in front of her. I knew in time she would find out all on her own. He would do it to himself. I didn't need to. True to what I thought he did. That is a whole different blog. lol
After I moved back home I had to find myself again. I had to figure out who I was. I wasn't me for so long I didn't know how to find out. I looked really hard inside of myself. I decided I would be great as a hair designer. I went right away and signed up for school. I graduated and started working in a salon. after working in a salon for over 10 years I decided I wanted to try something else. So I started college. I was a single parent, I worked 30 - 40 hours a week and took a full academic load. I am proud to say I graduated college with a bachelors degree. I did that. No one did that for me. I survived much more than this but this is one that when i watch a movie or show that has a woman being abused I break down in tears. I don't need to watch it I survived it. There is much more to the story but that would be pages and pages long.
I wanted to everyone to know that you can survive. You have to make sure that you find the value in yourself. You have to say enough is enough. You have to fight for you. Only you can. So easy it would be to lay down and just give up. So easy it would be to put our responsibilities on someone else. give me give me give me. I don't want to work for it. guess what, in order to survive anything you have to learn to you. You are the only one you can count on ultimately for your survival. If you can't find reason to survive for yourself then look around and find someone who may depend on you for their survival.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Why be anyone but yourself.
I look around and I notice how everyone plays a role to a certain degree depending on the company they keep or their ability to "fit in".
This person wants to be liked by everyone so they never know who they really are, they are to busy trying to be the people they are around.
This person is so un-happy with their own life that they feel that they have to bring everyone else around them down to make themselves feel superior.
Then there are others that stay in the corner trying not to be noticed because if they are then they might have to say something and they fear rejection, ridicule, or total failure.
Why are we so afraid to be who we are no matter what the situation. Granted there are time that you may need to quiet a loud speaker (that is me) or instead of swearing use the non-swear version of the word but why are you changing who you are? why do we apologize to others when you don't fit into their sense of normal?
If everyone was their true self then there might just be a little less fighting, bullying, terrorizing. We would realize that we are not alone in those different feelings we have, those odd foods we like to eat, or just the nerd in us trying to shine. If we were a little more honest with ourselves we might just realize that we aren't who we thought we were at all. Maybe just maybe we would realize that we all deserve to be ourselves. If others can't handle the real you then maybe they don't deserve the real you either.
I... am always ME.
This person wants to be liked by everyone so they never know who they really are, they are to busy trying to be the people they are around.
This person is so un-happy with their own life that they feel that they have to bring everyone else around them down to make themselves feel superior.
Then there are others that stay in the corner trying not to be noticed because if they are then they might have to say something and they fear rejection, ridicule, or total failure.
Why are we so afraid to be who we are no matter what the situation. Granted there are time that you may need to quiet a loud speaker (that is me) or instead of swearing use the non-swear version of the word but why are you changing who you are? why do we apologize to others when you don't fit into their sense of normal?
If everyone was their true self then there might just be a little less fighting, bullying, terrorizing. We would realize that we are not alone in those different feelings we have, those odd foods we like to eat, or just the nerd in us trying to shine. If we were a little more honest with ourselves we might just realize that we aren't who we thought we were at all. Maybe just maybe we would realize that we all deserve to be ourselves. If others can't handle the real you then maybe they don't deserve the real you either.
I... am always ME.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
aspirations
I often sit and ask myself what would I do if I didn't do what I do now. I know that sounds stupid if you don't know what I do now.
Before I tell you I want to start by saying what I have done. I left my daughters father when she was 2 months old, he was abusive both physically and mentally. (More on that in another blog because I learned a lot being in that kind of relationship.) Anyway I left and moved back home to my parents. I had no idea what i was going to do with my life at 19 and a baby with no man. so I signed up for cosmetology school. I went full time. I LOVED IT!!! I then did hair for 14 years. After 12 years i decided one day "hey i would love to learn computer programming.... so I signed up for college and got my bachelors degree in CIS (Computer Information Systems)
I continued to do hair while I went to school. I carried a full academic load, was a single parent, and worked at least 35 hours a week. I was busy busy busy. So one day I decided i was done standing on my feet for 134 hours a day, I had over 50K in student loan debt i am getting a job that I can use my degree in. So now I do
I am currently the customer Support manager for a software company. I started as the receptionist. I did that for 3 months and then asked to be moved to support. After fighting with them to let me move they promoted me to a level 2 tech support rep after only 6 months. After 9 months I was promoted to manager. So now that is what I do. I am damn good at what I do. I always say that the only person who holds you back is you. which brings me to my next point
If I were able to get paid for doing my dream jobs they would be as follows:
1. A professional public speaker
2. Ghost hunter
3. Independently wealthy
That is it for now. I just wanted to share that, don't put yourself on the clearance rack, there are plenty of people who want to do that for you. Make yourself priceless to yourself. your the only one who matters.
Before I tell you I want to start by saying what I have done. I left my daughters father when she was 2 months old, he was abusive both physically and mentally. (More on that in another blog because I learned a lot being in that kind of relationship.) Anyway I left and moved back home to my parents. I had no idea what i was going to do with my life at 19 and a baby with no man. so I signed up for cosmetology school. I went full time. I LOVED IT!!! I then did hair for 14 years. After 12 years i decided one day "hey i would love to learn computer programming.... so I signed up for college and got my bachelors degree in CIS (Computer Information Systems)
I continued to do hair while I went to school. I carried a full academic load, was a single parent, and worked at least 35 hours a week. I was busy busy busy. So one day I decided i was done standing on my feet for 134 hours a day, I had over 50K in student loan debt i am getting a job that I can use my degree in. So now I do
I am currently the customer Support manager for a software company. I started as the receptionist. I did that for 3 months and then asked to be moved to support. After fighting with them to let me move they promoted me to a level 2 tech support rep after only 6 months. After 9 months I was promoted to manager. So now that is what I do. I am damn good at what I do. I always say that the only person who holds you back is you. which brings me to my next point
If I were able to get paid for doing my dream jobs they would be as follows:
1. A professional public speaker
2. Ghost hunter
3. Independently wealthy
That is it for now. I just wanted to share that, don't put yourself on the clearance rack, there are plenty of people who want to do that for you. Make yourself priceless to yourself. your the only one who matters.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
My Journey Starts Today
I am writing this today not for you, but for me. It isn't often that I do things for me but I have decided that no one else is gonna do this for me.
I sit here writing this weighing 197 pounds. Yep I just typed my weight for anyone who is looking to see. I know some skinny women who would NEVER share that information. Why put myself out there? Why allow that criticism? Why bother letting that little, ok, well not so little secret out. People always say there are 2 things you never ask a woman 1. Her age, 2. Her weight. well my age is 39, weight much like my age, is a number.
I carry my weight well but it is there. I notice it when I sit on the couch. when I am sitting at my desk at work. I am aware that I am not a "small" person and for the most part I am ok with how I look most days. there are days that I have really low self esteem like anyone but it is something I can do something about. so why this and why now?
I am watching Biggest Loser of course and all I can think is someone that weighed 400 pounds just ran a 5K. He can do it why not me? Why am I sitting on my rather robust bottom and not doing something about it. I have decided that I am going to write a blog about my journey.
I plan on sharing what I am eating, drinking, how I am exercising, and anything in between. The food aspect should be interesting because I am one PICKY PICKY eater. I watch what they have the contestants eat and thing "BARF" lol but, I am going to make the best of it my way. ( I think Yard lettuce just like Aaron Goodwin says) I am going to be honest and open and just share. I am hoping to record my progress in this blog so I can hold myself accountable.
So here it is hopefully within 6 months people can use the word small, defined, un-fat, when talking about me, however if not I am not going to give up. I am going to be able to look in the mirror and say "hello beautiful" and turn heads.
I hope after this I can look back and realize even now I should have a postive outlook and have a great self esteem because I have pretty eyes, a great smile, and terrific _ _ _ _ _. Those positive feelings and self esteem are hard to come by but I am going to keep smiling.
I sit here writing this weighing 197 pounds. Yep I just typed my weight for anyone who is looking to see. I know some skinny women who would NEVER share that information. Why put myself out there? Why allow that criticism? Why bother letting that little, ok, well not so little secret out. People always say there are 2 things you never ask a woman 1. Her age, 2. Her weight. well my age is 39, weight much like my age, is a number.
I carry my weight well but it is there. I notice it when I sit on the couch. when I am sitting at my desk at work. I am aware that I am not a "small" person and for the most part I am ok with how I look most days. there are days that I have really low self esteem like anyone but it is something I can do something about. so why this and why now?
I am watching Biggest Loser of course and all I can think is someone that weighed 400 pounds just ran a 5K. He can do it why not me? Why am I sitting on my rather robust bottom and not doing something about it. I have decided that I am going to write a blog about my journey.
I plan on sharing what I am eating, drinking, how I am exercising, and anything in between. The food aspect should be interesting because I am one PICKY PICKY eater. I watch what they have the contestants eat and thing "BARF" lol but, I am going to make the best of it my way. ( I think Yard lettuce just like Aaron Goodwin says) I am going to be honest and open and just share. I am hoping to record my progress in this blog so I can hold myself accountable.
So here it is hopefully within 6 months people can use the word small, defined, un-fat, when talking about me, however if not I am not going to give up. I am going to be able to look in the mirror and say "hello beautiful" and turn heads.
I hope after this I can look back and realize even now I should have a postive outlook and have a great self esteem because I have pretty eyes, a great smile, and terrific _ _ _ _ _. Those positive feelings and self esteem are hard to come by but I am going to keep smiling.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Just getting started
I am just getting started with blogging so I will be adding more about me and what I stand for. I might go off on a wild taggent or I might make total sense. Depends on my mood. I used to write as a way to get what I can't really say because it might offend or it might be taken wrong. I am going to use this as a tool to allow people to know the real me and to allow myself the freedom to express how I feel without fear.
You can comment and feel what you want but the only opinon of me that matters, is mine. =) I am a person who prides themselves in looking at myself honestly. I am by no means perfect but I strive everyday to make it memorable.
Like I said more to come later. I hope you will find delight in reading this blog and maybe as time goes on learn about me and maybe a little about yourself.
What can you accomplish if it weren't the fear of failure or being made fun of?
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