Roller Coaster of Emotions

So I got a call today from my female doctor. I was all good with the 6 months but he wants me to come in so he can cop another feel (LOL) and then he is going to send me to a specialist. What kind of specialist I do not know. A surgeon or an oncologist(?) who knows. I also had an ultra sound done not long ago of my ovaries. there is a cyst there that is causing me a lot of pain. So he is going to compare the Ct scan I had done when they thought I had kidney stones to the ultra sound pictures to see if it has grown. WTF!!!!! I will not be 40 until February. Why am I falling apart now?

I hate being all doom and gloom all the time. That is not me. I put on the smile, I make others laugh, I take care of everyone. I stand up for those who can't stand for themselves, and so on.  I was not the best of teenagers growing up but I am sure there are a lot of people out there who were worse. So why is Karma knocking on my damn door all the time. Can't that bitch go bother someone else? I have paid my dues and I have always tried to help people. I know God doesn't give anyone more than what they can handle but damn does he have to trust me so much?

So now I will get answers hopefully sooner than later. I will be able to put worries to rest sooner and maybe not be in pain as well. Everyone says "at least he is looking further and attacking it" "it's probably nothing" "you'll be fine" YES I will be fine, it very well may be nothing, but it doesn't stop your mind from bring up every possible bad scenario. I know that if it is bad that I will make it through. Of course after I have a major melt down.

I wonder if Duct tape will be enough to hold me together. That is some pretty strong shit and it comes in all different styles now, so I won't look all grey and dreary.

 I have pretty much run the gambit on how to feel. I will continue to ride the ride and maybe I will keep my arms and legs inside, maybe I will stay buckled till the ride comes to a complete stop. I am a rebel you know so don't be surprised if you see me waving my arms and sticking out a toe. That's just my way.

6 more months

I went today to get another mammogram and an ultra sound. I thought that I would have to wait for results but no they give them right there. So after an hour I had sort of an answer but not really.
I have to go back in 6 months and have another session of boobie squishing and then ultra sound. since this was my first they have nothing to compare the spot to. They can't be sure if it is a simple "nothing to worry about" cyst or if it is something that causes worry.
So now I wait. I pray. I hope. I of course worry. How can I not. They tell you it could be a cyst it more than likely is a cyst or fibrous tissue but..... Yes there is always a but, we can't rule out that it may be cancer. So tell me not to worry all you want, tell me it will all be ok, tell me that that spot you have to view again in 6 months time to see if it has changed shape or grew in size is nothing to worry about.
I don't know about you but when someone says if it were me I wouldn't worry about it. well I am sorry but it isn't you. You also are a big fat liar if you tell me that worry wouldn't cross your mind because they are pretty certain it isn't something to worry about.
Being the person that I am I will worry but you won't know it. I will quietly fight within myself between worry and telling myself it is all ok. I am a survivor and I will make it through this. In the end it will all be nothing and the next 6 months of worry will have been for not. I will put the smile on my face, and pick my chin up and march on.  There are people who have more worry in an hour than I could dream of.
Remember to smile, it is the one part that goes with everything. Remember to always have hope because without it you can't have strength and you can't have spirit.

RESPECT

What does that word mean to you? Does the old saying you gotta give respect to get it? What if you are always waiting for the other person to go first? What if they don't? Your not going to respect that other person because they didn't go first?
The pure definition of respect differs on who you ask. What they respect changes constantly depending on the person whom you are asking about. What do I mean? Well think about it... the reason you respect your boss isn't the same reason you respect your neighbor. You respect each person for different reasons. I don't give my respect out willy nilly. I respect someone when they are honest in the face of blame. When they take ownership in what they have done and fight to make it right. I have respect for those who are sticking up for the people who cannot stick up for themselves. People who put themselves in the path for ridicule to show support for someone outside of the norm. I show respect to anyone making a living and fighting every day to do what is right and not blaming others for their failures but learn from them and ask themselves: Ok next time what can I do different for a different outcome.
I could take the easy way on so many levels for so many things but I don't. I fight for those who don't have a voice or are to afraid to speak out for ridicule.  I own up to my mistakes, I learn from my mistakes and take steps to remind myself that it is ok to make them. No one is perfect no matter what illusion they cast.
Take the time today to ask yourself what RESPECT means to you, you may find that you need to change your definition of what it means to you. Everyone says to lower your standards so you won't be disappointed.... I say raise them and demand that others raise theirs. Disappointment is a way of life. How you handle that disappointment is a way of character.

Can this really be happening?

 I had my first mammogram last week. That in itself was scary enough. So you walk into this room and take everything from the waist up off. They give you this nice robe to put on and then you wait for the person who is in charge of the smooshing of the boobies to come and get you.
She comes to get you and then the smooshing begins. It doesn't take long and wasn't all that uncomfortable.  It really all and all was ok. I had myself so psyched out over nothing. When done they let you know you will get a letter in a week or so with results. They may call you as well.
So I got my letter today. I rip it open to hopefully see all good talk to your OBGYN to see when you need to have another one.
This is NOT what I saw. I saw that I need to go back in and have another test done. A special one that takes a closer look because something didn't look right? WHAT? This can't be right. Everything was supposed to be fine. There shouldn't have been anything wrong. What do you mean you need to look further. Of course I tell myself nothing to panic about it will all be ok. Doesn't mean that they see cancer it simply means that you have really big boobs and it's harder to read? Yes that has to be it. I will make it through what I need to make it through and I refuse to let something beat me. I am sitting at work trying to keep my cool, smile, talk, not think about what could be the start of yet another hard journey in my life. Inside I am screaming, crying and devastated.  Good part is that I am a survivor. I have beat many demons in my life, some self inflicted others not. The point is I survived it. I will continue down this road and take whatever comes my way. I will come out on top and make the day mine.
I am a very hard person to beat. I refuse to let something keep me down and control my life. Stand back and watch me shine. It should be a great show.

Survivor

Have you ever sat back and asked yourself what have I been through in my life? Every one of us is a survivor in our own right. You might have survived a car accident, being addicted to drugs or alcohol, physical or mental abuse, poverty... the list is endless. Are what you survived any more important or less important than the others? No, the point is you survived.
I have my own story of survival. I was physically and mentally abused for 3 years. For those of you that know me know that I am the last person who you would think would be in that situation. I speak my mind, I have my own opinions, I stand up for what I think is right. So how did I allow myself to be treated with such disrespect? Easy, slowly I was changed to be something I was not. I allowed it because I thought it was love. I was young. I didn't know love for real. He slowly alienated my from my family, from my friends, from the outside world.
I am different from most stories you hear about abuse. 1. I got out. 2. I never once not once thought I deserved it. I was tore down on a daily basis. At 125 I was told I was fat, no one would ever want a fat ass like me. I was told I was stupid. How could I expect anyone to want me because I was to stupid to know anything. I was made to work, while he did whatever and took all the money. I was timed going to the grocery store. If I went over my time limit by 1 minute I was beaten and told I must be with someone else because it doesn't take that long to go to the grocery store. When I would drive my car (this was extremely rare) and someone said "nice car" I would say thanks, again that would be another beating because I made them think it was my car. It WAS my car. I had my nipples twisted to the point they were bruised and swollen and I would be on my hands and knees like a dog begging for him to stop. All of this and never once did I think "I deserve this" 
I had gotten a severe sinus infection that almost cost me my life. If I would have waited another week to go to the hospital I would of had permanent brain damage or I would have died. I was told it's a shame I let you go to the doctor. Shortly after this I found out I was 3 months pregnant. the whole pregnancy I was told this couldn't be his kid. (mind you I never was allowed out of the house unless he was with me or it was timed)
I was released from the hospital after my second emergency surgery for sinus infection, I had the entire inside of my upper lip stitched shut. He had bust it open because I didn't cook dinner fast enough.
I had my life threatened with poisonous snakes. He kept rattlesnakes and copperheads as pets. After one night where he thought I was being not attentive enough I was told "Don't be surprised if you wake up with one of those next to you in bed" 
After I found out I was pregnant it became much more metal abuse with small physical, the nipple twisting, flicking, broke a key across my arm, things like that but the mental was way worse. My self esteem was torn to pieces.
After my daughter was born it started to head back to more intense abuse again. It is then I had finally had enough. I asked myself: do you want your daughter growing up seeing this and thinking this is how someone who loves you, treats you? That it is ok to allow some to degrade you and hit you and spit on you? No. It isn't. that isn't love that is control and it was time for me to take it all back. I was in the kitchen putting dishes away, he once again twisted my nipples and I asked him to stop, he did it again harder this time where I actually bled. I pushed him. I pushed with so much force that he flew across the kitchen and into the laundry room and the door came off the hinges.  He came at me with a closed fist, I grabbed a knife and said" do it, it will be the last time you ever hit anyone again" As I said I was done. I was ready to take my life back. I was ready to find me again. I left
I moved back home with my parents and started raising my daughter. I never spoke an ill word about her father in front of her. I knew in time she would find out all on her own. He would do it to himself. I didn't need to. True to what I thought he did. That is a whole different blog. lol
After I moved back home I had to find myself again. I had to figure out who I was. I wasn't me for so long I didn't know how to find out. I looked really hard inside of myself. I decided I would be great as a hair designer. I went right away and signed up for school. I graduated and started working in a salon. after working in a salon for over 10 years I decided I wanted to try something else. So I started college. I was a single parent, I worked 30 - 40 hours a week and took a full academic load. I am proud to say I graduated college with a bachelors degree. I did that. No one did that for me. I survived much more than this but this is one that when i watch a movie or show that has a woman being abused I break down in tears. I don't need to watch it I survived it. There is much more to the story but that would be pages and pages long.
I wanted to everyone to know that you can survive. You have to make sure that you find the value in yourself. You have to say enough is enough. You have to fight for you. Only you can. So easy it would be to lay down and just give up. So easy it would be to put our responsibilities on someone else. give me give me give me. I don't want to work for it. guess what, in order to survive anything you have to learn to you. You are the only one you can count on ultimately for your survival. If you can't find reason to survive for yourself then look around and find someone who may depend on you for their survival.

We all are fighters and survivors. We all have our stories long or short, happy or sad, One thing we all have in common is we are all survivors.

Why be anyone but yourself.

I look around and I notice how everyone plays a role to a certain degree depending on the company they keep or their ability to "fit in".
This person wants to be liked by everyone so they never know who they really are, they are to busy trying to be the people they are around.
This person is so un-happy with their own life that they feel that they have to bring everyone else around them down to make themselves feel superior.
Then there are others that stay in the corner trying not to be noticed because if they are then they might have to say something and they fear rejection, ridicule, or total failure.
Why are we so afraid to be who we are no matter what the situation. Granted there are time that you may need to quiet a loud speaker (that is me) or instead of swearing use the non-swear version of the word but why are you changing who you are? why do we apologize to others when you don't fit into their sense of normal?
If everyone was their true self then there might just be a little less fighting, bullying, terrorizing. We would realize that we are not alone in those different feelings we have, those odd foods we like to eat, or just the nerd in us trying to shine. If we were a little more honest with ourselves we might just realize that we aren't who we thought we were at all. Maybe just maybe we would realize that we all deserve to be ourselves. If others can't handle the real you then maybe they don't deserve the real you either.

I... am always ME.

aspirations

I often sit and ask myself what would I do if I didn't do what I do now. I know that sounds stupid if you don't know what I do now.
Before I tell you I want to start by saying what I have done. I left my daughters father when she was 2 months old, he was abusive both physically and mentally. (More on that in another blog because I learned a lot being in that kind of relationship.)  Anyway I left and moved back home to my parents. I had no idea what i was going to do with my life at 19 and a baby with no man. so I signed up for cosmetology school. I went full time. I LOVED IT!!! I then did hair for 14 years. After 12 years i decided one day "hey i would love to learn computer programming.... so I signed up for college and got my bachelors degree in CIS (Computer Information Systems)
I continued to do hair while I went to school. I carried a full academic load, was a single parent, and worked at least 35 hours a week. I was busy busy busy. So one day I decided i was done standing on my feet for 134 hours a day, I had over 50K in student loan debt i am getting a job that I can use my degree in. So now I do
I am currently the customer Support manager for a software company. I started as the receptionist. I did that for 3 months and then asked to be moved to support. After fighting with them to let me move they promoted me to a level 2 tech support rep after only 6 months. After 9 months I was promoted to manager.  So now that is what I do. I am damn good at what I do. I always say that the only person who holds you back is you.  which brings me to my next point
If I were able to get paid for doing my dream jobs they would be as follows:
1. A professional public speaker
2. Ghost hunter
3. Independently wealthy

That is it for now. I just wanted to share that, don't put yourself on the clearance rack, there are plenty of people who want to do that for you. Make yourself priceless to yourself. your the only one who matters.